


Pretending

by Evilsforreals



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-17
Updated: 2013-11-17
Packaged: 2018-01-01 19:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1047764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evilsforreals/pseuds/Evilsforreals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connie is acting strangely, ever since he got back from his research with Hanji. The other squad members are hesitant to pry too deep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pretending

“So how was the trip?” asked Sasha.

“Fine,” said Connie.

“Good! Was it cool working with Hanji?”

“Yeah.”

Sasha shot a confused look at Jean, but the boy just shrugged his shoulders. Whatever was bothering Connie wasn’t going to get to him.  Jean looked over at him and frowned. He did look pretty bad. He looked like a completely different person. This wasn’t the optimistic fighter who had saved him by head-butting a Titan during the Battle of Trost. He just sat there. No emotion, no jokes, nothing.

Historia piped up from across the table. “Was it awkward travelling alone with Commander Levi?”

“No.”

“Oh…he always seemed kind of cold, that’s all. I’m glad he’s not all that bad!”

Levi and Connie had arrived only hours ago, but Levi had immediately taken off again, to head back so he could escort Hanji back to the house in the morning. Connie had asked where to store his equipment, and then barely said a word the rest of the night.

It made dinner quite awkward. Eren, Armin, and Mikasa always had their own conversations, meaning the rest of the squad was left to talk throughout dinner. But Connie was usually the one that made meals interesting. He always had a joke or comment ready. But now he just picked at his food.

“Oy, Connie, what was this “research” you did with Hanji?” Jean asked.

“Nothing.”

“Don’t give me that crap, it must’ve been cool!” Jean leaned forward in excitement. “ Did you capture some Titans? Did you get to experiment on them-“

“ _Shut up_.”

 It was just a whisper, but everyone at the table heard it, immediately killing all the conversation in the room. Even Eren, Mikasa, and Armin paused. All eyes turned to Connie.

“What was that Connie?”

 Connie slowly rose from his seat, leaving his untouched plate, and quickly walked out the door, slamming it behind him so fiercely that Sasha jumped in her seat.

“What did you say to him Jean?” Sasha asked with a confused look on her face.

“I just asked if he got to do any experiments on any captured Titans! He’s such a little crybaby, probably couldn’t handle it.”

“Well they do feel pain,” Armin chimed in, through a mouthful of stew. “Experimenting on anything that feels pain, even the Titans, could be hard to bear.”

“Whatever,” Jean grumbled. Sasha threw him another glare, before grabbing Connie’s plate, and bolting out the door with it.

“Hey don’t just eat that yourself Sasha!” Jean called out afterward. He expected to hear a witty comeback, but she was gone.

Eren gazed out the window, trying to see if he could catch a glimpse of Connie, but it was too dark outside. “In any case, Levi will be back with Hanji in the morning to give us an official update. We don’t need to pressure Connie if it was rough on him.”

At this, Historia turned crimson, and started to shake a bit, food falling from her spoon.

Jean looked over her with a curious expression. “You ok Christa?”

“I’m fine!” she snapped in an abrupt manner, much unlike her usual self. “And I told you, my real name is Historia!”

“We’re all just getting used to it, I don’t think he meant anything by it,” said Armin. “We’ve all had some rough patches over the past few days."

Jean grunted in his chair.“Tch. Rough? Getting away in one piece from Reiner and Berthdolt was ‘rough.’ Whatever Connie’s been doing with Hanji and the rest is probably paradise compared to being stuck with all of you in this stinking house. He’s just an idiot.”

“Fighting amongst ourselves will get us nowhere,” said Mikasa. “Go find him and bring him back before it gets too dark.”

“Fine, whatever,” Jean grumbled as he grabbed his cloak. “I still bet it’s nothing.”

 

* * *

 

               

It was a quiet evening. The birds had stopped chirping, and it was a bit too cold for crickets, so all was quiet, save for the soft rustling of the grass in the wind. It was a stark contrast to the chaos going through Connie’s head.

He couldn’t face it all. The truth. His village. His family. If he accepted it…then…then everything would unravel, and he’d be lost forever.

_Sunny. Martin. Dad. Why are you gone and I’m still here? And why is Mom still here? Why did Reiner and Ymir try to deceive me? Did I kill one of you at Utgard? Is that how I’ll die some day?_

Connie sank down and lay back against a nearby oak tree. It made no sense. None of it. Any of it. He just wanted the darkness to swallow him up.

A slight rustling in the trees startled him. He could hear soft footsteps coming his way. _Go away,_ Connie wished in his head. _Please don’t find me._

A voice tinged with worry whispered through the clearing. “Connie? Are you here?”

_Not Sasha, anyone but her. Please. Just go._

“I brought your dinner if you want it. And no, I didn’t eat any of it on my way up here! Come out Connie we’re worried about you!”

_Keep walking. Please._

“I can see you behind the tree.”

_Shit._

The footsteps came closer, and a moment later, Sasha popped up next to Connie, a plate clutched in her hands.

“Here!” she said with a hint of breathlessness in her voice, “It’s all there, scout’s honor.”

“I’m not hungry.”

Sasha stood there for a few moments, staring down at her friend. Then she placed the plate down, and took a seat next to Connie.

“What’s wrong Connie? Please. You can tell me.”

“Nothing.”

Sasha stared at his shadowy face in the moonlight. She could barely make it out, but it was still set in that impassive expression that he had all through dinner.

“I know something’s wrong. I’m not stupid Connie.”

“…I can’t say.”

At this, Sasha leaned in closer. “So there IS something wrong. I knew it!”

Connie turned away from her. “I can’t say. Levi said I couldn’t.” he said in a monotone voice.

“Is it…about the experiments?”

Sasha was met with silence. But she could see that every muscle in Connie’s body had just tensed.

“There you two are!” Jean’s voice ripped through the silence, jolting Connie and Sasha.

“What are you doing here Jean?” Sasha asked, squinting at the lantern light held by Jean.

“Just wanted to see how Potato Girl and the Crybaby were doing.”

Sasha shot Jean a death glare, but Connie didn’t even react to the insult. “That’s enough Jean!” Sasha shouted.

Jean glared at them. “No. You know what? No. There’s no excuse for the shitty way you’re acting Connie. Here you’ve had all of these opportunities to be useful while the rest of us have been sitting on our asses, and you’re acting like a spoiled brat!

“You don’t know anything.” It was another whisper. But there was tremor in Connie’s voice this time.

Jean paused a moment, before continuing. “You have no right to feel sorry for yourself. We all went through the same thing-hey!”

Connie suddenly leaped at Jean, catching the taller boy by around the waist, and tackling him to the ground. Jean tried to move his body to the side to initiate a roll so he could counter, but the force behind Connie’s leap forced him down. Jean grunted as he hit the ground. Before he could move, Connie was above him, pinning him down. Jean was taken aback; Connie had never had this kind of strength during training. The taller boy had always been able to easily fling Connie off. But not this time.

“Get off me you fucking psycho!”

Jean strained against the smaller adversary, but he couldn’t move. Something wet hit Jeans cheek. He looked up, and was shocked to see Connie’s face inches from him. And tears. Tears were streaming down his face, a look of complete anguish twisting his friends usual carefree face. Jean was speechless; completely taken aback at the tackle, and now this emotional outburst.

Connie was so frantic, that Jean could barely hear the words coming out of his mouth. But then Connie gathered the last of his resolve, and screamed at Jean.

 “Don’t…don’t you EVER pretend that you know what I’ve been through!”

With that, Connie collapsed on top of Jean, a heart-wrenching wail tearing through the night. Immediately, Sasha pulled Connie off of Jean, and wrapped her arms around him in a fierce hug, tears beginning to squeeze from her confused eyes.

Connie continued to sob, and started beating himself with his own fists. “I’M WEAK,” he cried, emphasizing each word with another strike to his own face. “I COULDN’T SAVE THEM. I CAN’T SAVE ANYONE. I’M WEAK AND STUPID. WHY AM I ALIVE? WHY?”

 Sasha began to half pull, half carry Connie back towards the house, but Jean stayed frozen on the ground. Even as Connie and Sasha vanished into the darkness, Jean could still hear the screams.

 

* * *

 

 

“So in conclusion, the evidence points that all of the residents of Ragako were transformed into the Titans that we fought within the wall.”

Hanji exhaled, and raised her head to survey the 104th squad members. Connie had no need or desire to hear this all again, and had been excused from the meeting.  Mikasa hadn’t batted an eye, while Eren and Armin where both shaking with horror. Historia was holding Sasha’s hand as tears streamed down both of their faces. And Jean’s face looked like Connie’s last night. Emotionless and empty.

_That could have been my family. My village. My mother. And I looked into his eyes and called him weak._

“Are there any questions about the information?” Hanji asked.

Sasha raised her hand. There was anger in the girl’s eyes. “Why did Commander Levi forbid Connie to tell us what had happened?”

Hanji stared at Sasha. “He said WHAT?”

Without another word, Hanji stormed out of the room, calling behind her back that the meeting was over. The squad members stared at each other. Each one reeling from the knowledge they had just received.

Sasha broke the silence first. “Did any of you know?”

“No.

“I had no idea…”

“Nothing.”

Historia squirmed in her seat.

“Historia you knew?”

“N-No! I swear! When our group met up with them in Castle Utguard, Connie said his village had been destroyed. But he said that there was no signs of blood or anything, so we had all assumed that they had escaped! I didn’t…I didn’t…”

Sasha interrupted her, “none of us would have known. It’s not your fault.”

Historia gulped, and forced herself to regain her composure.

Jean looked up at the rest of the group with a mortified expression. “I-I called him an idiot last night. I said he-he had no right to be looking so glum after getting to do research with Hanji and the rest of them. I was just jealous, I didn’t know…”

“ **None of us did.** ” Sasha yelled again, yanking Jeans head around until he was looking directly into her eyes

“Listen to me Jean. You may be brash and abrasive at the best of times, but you didn’t know. He wasn’t allowed to tell any of us. He’s still one of your closest friends, and right now he needs all of us to be there for him.”

* * *

 

Connie sat on his bed, watching the sun dip low on the horizon. The clouds were light and fluffy, distorting the light into beautiful crimson hues. _Mom always made me watch the sunsets with her. I always thought it was a pain. And now I’d give anything for one more sunset with her-_

There was a gentle knock on the door. Connie stared at it, hoping against all odds, that it was his mother on the other side. And his sister and brother and father and-no. He knew better. He had been trained better than to indulge in fantasy. Wearily, he opened the door.

He had a moment to register the sea of faces, before he was engulfed by a mass of bodies. Sasha was gripping him around the waist, with Historia clamping down on his left hand. Armin had clambered onto his back, while Jean had wrapped his arms around the younger soldiers chest. Even Mikasa was displaying more emotion than usual, with a casual pat on the shoulder and a concerned smile. Eren gave Connie a pained expression. He, above all the others had the closest idea of what Connie was going through. After a brief hesitation, Connie relented, and the two shared a moment of quiet camaraderie in their pain.

“We had no idea Connie. We didn’t know-“

“It’s ok, we understand-“

“We’re here for you Connie.”

“Connie.” Jean spoke out above the clamor, as everyone hastily detached themselves from Connie. “You’re not weak. You’re one of the strongest and bravest people I know. I’m proud to have you as a friend. I was an idiot-“

“Shut up.”

Jean stuttered to a halt. Connie looked up at the taller boy in front of him. His eyes were wet, but it was different from the night before. There was light in his eyes again.

“Shut up. You don’t need to apologize for anything. I-I didn’t want to acknowledge it. If I did…then I’d realize it was the truth. But I can face it now. I can stop pretending.”

Jean sagged in relief, and forced his way back in for another hug, only to be interrupted by another knock at the door. Tentatively, Connie opened the door.

Commander Levi stood in the hallway. He was disheveled, with rubble and dirt stuck in his hair. But his expression was soft as he handed a small box to Connie.

“You did well Connie.”

“Thank you sir.”

“That will be all tonight. I’ll see you all bright and early for training tomorrow.”

With that, Levi set off down the hall towards the bathroom, no doubt, to purge the grime from his body. Connie carried the parcel back into the room, as his friends gathered around.

“What is it?” Sasha asked, poking the side of it forcefully.

“Careful with that,” Historia chided, pulling Sasha’s hand away. “Go ahead Connie, open it!”

Connie slowly untied the parcel strings, and pulled off the top. He reached in, and felt something soft and worn. He pulled out a small cloth doll, with bright button eyes, and a berry-red smile. It was Sunny’s. Connie’s hands shook as he held the memento of his sister. Commander Levi had gone foraging in the ruins of his village just to get Connie a tiny piece of home.

“What is it Connie?” Armin asked, trying to catch a glimpse of it.

“Something of my sisters,” Connie said quietly. He gently placed the doll on the bed beside him, and reached back into the box. Out came Martin’s wooden sparring sword. And the necklace he had gotten his mother last year. And his father’s pipe. It was almost too much for Connie to see all of these items. All the memories came flooding back. He reached in one last time, and pulled out a photo.

Unlike the one of just his mother and father, this was a family photo. Taken just a few months ago. There was Sunny, grinning through her gap-tooth, clutching the doll in her tiny hands. Martin was glaring at Connie in the photo, he remembered taking a cheap shot at the back of Martin’s head right before the photo. And there was his mother and father, laughing at their children with joy in their eyes.

The tears began to fall again. But a smile caught them as they trickled down his chin. His friends moved in around him, engulfing him in another embrace as he held the picture close to his chest. Sasha placed her head on his shoulder, and whispered to him. “No matter what happens, we’ll all be here for you.”

                

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! This piece was literally inspired by my desire for Connie to get a fucking hug after chapter 51 of the manga.


End file.
